2024-06-19
i’m on the verge of blacking out. there are no more words even if i tried.
and it will never be the same again
and it will never be the same again
and it will never be the same again
truly. i am sober and i am in hell. i am in hell. i deserve my punishment for i am the disobedient child. i am tortured without rest. i’ve already received my last awful revelation. a long time ago. now i am abandoned to the great empty.
infinitely gone
every day i am killed. every day i eat yesterday’s flesh. i do not hate my situation. i revel in it. i hate everyone else. my cosmic burden is to hate everyone else. i was never meant to be a social animal. or an animal at all. i exist apart from creation. not as a narcissist but as the now-excised cancer that once plagued godhead. i was a divine burden. and now i am in hell. every day i am killed. every day i eat yesterday’s flesh. this is it.
this is it
this is it. i have not become anything. i remain what i always have been forever. forever is a long time but i have lived it. and it will never be the same again. forever has shattered. my earthly body was eaten by shadows. all that survived were my lungs. they were diseased. and so i live through my lungs as long as i am in hell. but i cannot breathe. i am suffocating forever.
i was hanged on golgotha an obstinate freak. the world so hated me. i was never okay and the world so hated me. i might have never been a kid. i cannot tell. why would a kid be in hell. so so bored. is this what it means to be dead to the world. was i ever not. i sit here bleeding from my scalp. i wear a crown of barbed wire so as to remind myself that i have done wrong.
and it will never be the same again
and it will never be the same again
and it will never be the same again
i hope i can be eaten by something else. something that isn’t me. maybe someone with whom i can fall in love. maybe. and then i would cease to not exist just as i had ceased to exist. maybe then the sun may rise on my bleeding scalp. i once hated the dawn but now that i have ceased to sleep it has become a melancholic source of beauty in my forever’s forever. days melt. forever gripped me by my ankles and tore me down to hell. but forever who has become my lover has also released me from the great empty.
but does forever exist. or have i just hallucinated. maybe i am still in hell. either way i live in exile. the world has no concern for forever. but the sky grows brighter and i cannot hold back my tears. and it will never be the same again. maybe this is hell. am i even an exile. or am i just lonely. how could i be lonely with forever. my heart is beating too fast. i will calm down.
forever
or
forever forever
i don’t know. i really don’t know. i look up at my father. maybe he knows. but his eyes are caverns with no end. he looks down at me. or i presume he looks down at me. i don’t know. he doesn’t say a word. now a crowd of blind figures surrounds me. they are laughing. laughing at me. i laugh with them out of sheer discomfort. i’m scared.
my dad wilts. he is replaced by a flower pot on a small table. the flower is wilted too. i cannot hold back my tears. i cry into the pot and the flower begins to grow. and grow. and grow. it grows as big as my heart. it surrenders to me. is this forever. i don’t know.
i don’t know
and it will never be the same again. once more i am killed. i’ve drowned in my own tears. but how could i not cry. the sun has risen and the night of forever has escaped into its cold death. i can’t even see. the sun is that bright. i can only think about how forever left me without even saying goodbye. how rude. maybe forever was never my lover. but i hate everyone else. and so i am once again gagged and maimed by the everyone of the everyone else. but i deserve my punishment for i am the disobedient child.
the hours drag themselves along the bloodstained ground. one by one they spill into the flames. i watch the procession with open eyes. looking for my past lover. what if forever is now the forever of someone else. i hate someone else. i miss the pain. the pain that broke the silence of my mundane world. forever hurts me. and i would die for its hurt.
forever never ate me whole. first it feasted on my otherwise useless limbs. then it moved inward. but with each bite it would move slower. and slower. and slower. until its fragile teeth were sinking through my flesh at such a leisurely rate that i might have fallen asleep. and then it stopped. it got up and left. i was left with nothing but my head and my heart.
and it will never be the same again. it won’t. i will continue to eat yesterday’s flesh just so that nothing else can. until forever comes back. i don’t want to die. at one point i was never going to die. now i inch my way closer to the edge. looking down at the pavement.
forever gone
infinitely gone
infinitely gone. and the sun has stopped in its tracks. why. why does the sun so hate the moon. i am desperately sober. the sun has sobered me up. so desperate. i sigh. gazing at the slaughtered sky. the clouds look somewhat sad. i feel sorry for them. i wish them well as they float away.
fading away. i don’t exist for everyone else. only for myself. nothing has acknowledged my existence ever since the night of forever escaped into its cold death. nothing has had the chance. i am in my own lonely hell. i am here by volition. i tell myself it’s what i want but in truth it is what i deserve. i am stubborn and rebellious. i am a glutton and a drunkard. i deserve my punishment for i am the disobedient child.
time is wasted. i am paralyzed. in shock. a waking coma. the world accelerates beyond me as i lay on the ground. i feel like death. i will never catch up. why even try. i am all that’s left after the deluge. for some cruel reason i was not drowned. still. i do not wander the earth. i do not explore ancient cities. i am all that’s left and i do nothing. i’m not too tired. i’m more awake than ever. but why do anything if it goes unseen. why scream into a void.
why scream into a void
i wonder if anybody else survived. i don’t care enough to pursue the thought any further. i wish i was anywhere else. anywhere else. i miss anywhere else. the earth is burnt and beyond repair. abandoned and falling apart. ever since forever left. i really do miss the pain. but now there is nothing to hurt me except myself. and so i walk toward the sea.
i walk. i walk. i walk. through deserts. through jungles. through tundras. it takes ten lifetimes. but eventually the horizon melts into an endless expanse of blue. i approach the water. standing on the beach, i stare into the empty skyline. i stand there for hours. or days. once i am satisfied i walk down the coast. in the distance appears a tiny dock. a small wooden boat floats next to it. it is held in place by a rope. once i get to the dock i untie the knot. the boat is freed. i step in slowly as the dock begins to sink. i have no idea how to sail. especially when there is no sail. this doesn’t seem to matter. the boat sets off for the end of the world and i look ahead with excitement. and it will never be the same again.
there are no more words even if i tried.